A Father’s Day Gift Guide That Doesn’t Suck
Men get a bad rap.
Wait, no, that’s not it.
Men get exactly the rap they deserve. They’re terrible. Ya know, as a collective entity. I’m sure you know a man, or even a few plural men, that are perfectly decent or even…great. But as a species, men are fucking terrible. Once a year though, we look the other way and give them shitty whiskey stones and ANOTHER coffee mug with an even shittier message written on it in the name of Father’s Day. But just because men are terrible (EXCEPT YOUR DAD, CLEARLY HE’S AMAZING AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT LKJASJDSVDKJFDALK!!!) doesn’t mean your gifts should be. Prove yet again why women are the superior species with one of these gifts that any man, woman, or child tbh would be excited to receive. Don’t forget - Father’s Day is June Sunday, June 19th!
Shop Gifts Under $100
Dads are only capable of doing one thing at a time, as we all know. It’s either watching tv OR listening to what mom is saying, BUT NEVER BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. Same with wearing sunglasses. He either knows where they are or they’re definitely lost at sea. He always needs a new pair of shades, so why not use this as an excuse to get him some cool sunglasses? Quay has tons of styles at affordable prices meaning dad can lose his sunglasses several times a year and it won’t break the bank.
If it were up to Dad, the family would subsist on a diet of chicken wings, Keystone Light, and Snyder’s Honey Mustard pretzels. Is your Dad a Dad or pledging a frat?!?! Get your dad some nutrition in his gullet and order him a case of Kettle & Fire Bone Broth to get a healthy source of protein in that doesn’t come in powder form. Pair it with Ancestral Living’s Liver supplements and/or a Ritual multivitamin and Dad’s gonna be feeling even younger than you!
Speaking of nutrition, why are Dads always smelly?? Get him my favorite Sakara chlorophyll water drops and add them to the one glass of water he drinks a day. In addition to all the other health benefits of chlorophyll water, it’s even been known to reduce body odor! I did an accidental science experiment of this once and forgot to apply deodorant and at the end of the day, I did not stink! It’s kinda nuts, but it does work.
There seems to be a theme to my gift guide for Dad and it’s something like “You’re a human mess, I’m here to help you,” and nothing really says that more than this accupressure mat. And yes, it was on my mother’s day gift guide as well, but that should tell you how much I think this would make a great gift!! And nothing says “you’re polluting the air with your farts” quite like an air purifier that he can control with his phone.
Taking a sharp left turn - ALCOHOL. So, years ago, Kyle and I went to a restaurant that had like hundreds of wines by the glass. We were floored at how they could do it, which was only possible because of this little device. The Coravin wine saver pokes a needle-thin hole through the cork to prevent it from oxidizing, but allowing you to still pour a glass of wine. It’s fucking awesome, especially if you don’t plan to finish an entire bottle in one sitting. It also comes with CO2 cartridges so it’s basically a toy, and Dad loves toys.
You know why Dad is always falling asleep on the couch during family movie night? Because your bullshit keeps him up at night! Help him catch some Z’s at the right time of night with a full blackout eye mask. Kyle and I both use this Manta sleep mask and it works wonders.
I just bought this neck fan and quite frankly, I think everyone should have one. Give it to him with a card that says “I’m your biggest fan,” and you’ll be good for at least 3 broken curfews.
Dads aren’t known for their fashion sense - I mean, there’s a reason you can spot a kid whose Dad dressed them that morning. Get him some Vuori joggers and throw away the Adidas basketball shorts he’s owned since 1987.
Shop Gifts over $100
Now that you’ve tossed Dad’s gross basketball shorts and caught him up to 2022, let’s swap those Dad sneakers (and I’m not talking the cool Gen Z ones) out for something fresh. While I usually disdain a Birkenstock, Dads love them - it probably reminds them they were once young and went to Phish concerts - they’re certainly better than whatever sad Kirkland brand shoe he picked up along with his pork butt.
Face it: you’re annoying. Let Dad tune you and your bullshit out for a bit with some Bose noise cancelling headphones. Got a sibling? Make them get him the earbuds. Now you can talk about how the Keystone pipeline shutdown actually had nothing to do with the rising prices of gas without any Dad counterpoint!
I’ve got two more clothing items, so let’s just get through them, okay? Pajamas don’t have to be expensive, but they should be if your’e giving them as a gift! Eberjey is making super lush jammies but keeping them simple in design - perfect for your Dad who once gave you your school lunch in a Ziploc bag. And Father’s Day wouldn’t be complete without some kind of button-down shirt. Here’s a linen one that will go nicely with the Birks and neck fan. Sorry for your future embarrasment.
If you have a Dad, chances are he was a teenager when Beavis & Butthead took the zeitgeist by storm. Beavis & Butthead weren’t the only ones obsessed with “FIRE!” though…all men are simple like this. Scratch his Neanderthal itch for burning shit with a Solo Stove! It’s a portable firepit that’s easy enough for any Gen Xer to figure out!
Let’s face it: you’re narcissistic, too. The one place you can get away with your self-invovled shit is with your parents. Dad had to upgrade his iCloud storage just to hold onto all the pictures you’ve sent him of the mysterious dashboard light that just popped up in your car through the years. Get him this digital frame that actually looks nice and free up his phone for more gambling apps!!
Get your Dad a leaf blower. That’s it. That’s all I have to say.
It’s like, a rule that all Dads snore, right? Maybe more of a law? Since Dad is sucking the paint off the wall, might as well get some moisture in his system. A humidifier from Canopy is a great option since it produces a cool mist, which means nothing to Dad but everything to you!
Look, I’m not under any illusion you have $5,000 to spend on Dad, but what you COULD do is convince him he should buy a barrel sauna for himself this Father’s Day just so you can come over and use it. Tell him how good it is for HGH and testosterone and watch how quick he clicks that “buy now” button. Maybe you should use that line when talking about how you need a new laptop, too?
Men are the worst, but Dads are pretty great, especially for putting up with your dumb ass. Hope this list gave you some good inspiration to pull from!
