A Mother’s Day Gift Guide That Doesn’t Suck
Welp, it’s that time of year again: the time when we acknowledge the physical, emotional, mental, and financial sacrifice that is motherhood with a shitty card and even shittier brunch, albeit with unlimited mimosas. That’s right, Mother’s Day is fast approaching!
Technically, this is my second Mother’s Day as a mom, but considering I was only a few months into motherhood and in some version of whatever a lucid coma is called (it’s like being drunk, but you’re dead sober and yawning all the time), I feel like this year is really the first time I can appreciate the notion. And let me just say ONE DAY IS NOT ENOUGH. God damn, this is a relentless “job.” I hesitate to use the term un-ironically given it’s not compensated whatsoever, the only person in a position of power is a toddler who can barely speak, let alone deliver a coherent performance review, nor is there any upward mobility. So…prison sentence??? I jest, I jest - only because the alternative would get CPS called on me.
But truly, the feat of buying a singular gift to acknowledge all the work and sacrifice of the mother(s) or mother figures in your life is a real fool’s errand, unless you found a space-time continuum with a wormhole that allows her to go back in time and do life all over again, unencumbered by the needs of everyone else around her? I dunno, maybe it will be on the Tesla site next year.
Paradoxically, if you don’t make some kind of effort to show a lifetime of gratitude for the mother or mother figure in your life, then you’re just an asshole. So this year, instead of sending overpriced, ug flowers or paying for a pancake breakfast, I’ve curated a slew of ACTUALLY good gifts for any woman with (or without) a uterus. I also broke it down into 3 different price tiers, so there really is a way to recognize her efforts without breaking the bank.
Shop Gifts Under $50
There’s a way to give an inexpensive gift without being cheap about it, and it starts by not going to the Uncommon Goods website! Do you know what most people don’t spend more than $10 on? Their laundry detergent. And what a shame, considering most people wear clothes every day. I’m a big fan of the perfume, but at over $200 a bottle, you can give mom the same experience for a fraction of the price with the detergent instead!
Even if mom doesn’t cook, I bet she orders a mean pizza - she has to have my favorite pizza scissors. Serving up Papa John’s will never be the same.
I haven’t tried this hair oil yet, but I heard the women on Fat Mascara rave about it recently, and I trust them more than my own mother.
Give your mom the gift she really deserves: sun protection! I’m a big fan of these roll up hats and this one in particular has UPF 50 protection!
I think a lot of women turn to their bathroom once they have children, whether it’s to clean the vomit from their hair, put on an eye cream to treat the tired on your face, or even just cry alone. Why not make the bathroom a real sanctuary, with my favorite luscious body creme, a gorgeous match cloche to keep near her favorite candle, a dry brush just so she can feel something, and an overpriced lip balm that will remind her why she still loves you?
Shop Gifts Under $100
Let’s face it: mom is a borderline alcoholic. So she’s gonna need a few drinking accessories to keep parenting your ungrateful ass. Stemless wine glasses are a must, as is an insulated vessel to keep her Chardonnay perfectly chilled.
And since mom is a borderline alchy, she should be comfortable while she does all the laundry and cooks all the meals for you. She needs this flowy house dress, these cozy slippers, this blanket, and of course, some luxury bath sheets to help wash away the day.
Sometimes, though, mom gets her shit together and puts down the Chablis, and picks up the sneakers. Get her a fresh new pair of the leggings everyone loves, these extremely cute weights she can wear on her wrists or ankles, and this acupressure mat to melt away all the stress from her body.
Of course, you’re awful, so the stress WILL come back, which is exactly why she needs these sheet masks that seriously work, this body wash, and this detergent.
But sometimes, you make her proud, and on those rare occasions, she’ll need this mobile photo printer to hang up pictures of you that aren’t selfies on the fridge.
Shop Gifts over $100
Show mom you love her more than your siblings by splurging on a bag that will make her worried you work for the cartel!
For the mom who loves to cook, but likes things to look pretty even more, get her one of these gorgeous cook sets. This one has gold hardware and this one has rose gold hardware.
Mother’s Day is all about letting mom know how you feel about her, and this candle literally says it all.
Some people say their mom “has everything,” but does she have a towel warmer??!?! She can even put her robe or this luscious blanket in there too!
So you’ve got a slightly more pragmatic mom? Okay - try telling me she wouldn’t be thrilled to get a new pair of sneakers that aren’t Kirkland brand!
I’m not saying your mom should eat caviar with a pearl spoon while wearing this insanely decadent French skincare line mask, but I am saying you will probably get a better Christmas present this year if you get it for her.
Idk, this diffuser looks cute.
