Keeping Up With the Lox Spring Rolls

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I’m gonna do something the Kardashian’s would never do where their lower halves are concerned: be honest with you. Smoked salmon just isn’t really my thing. Salmon in general is not my thing, though I’m finding ways to make it work for me (copious amounts of rice are usually involved). Bagels, however, are very my thing.

Maybe it’s because I believe I was a native New Yorker in another life (does being the actual Studio 54 count as another “life?”) or maybe it’s just the way spiked glucose levels make you addicted to carbohydrates, but I fucking love bagels. Literally could eat one for every meal. But despite the things I say in my head and don’t share out loud, I don’t hate myself, so I have to find creative ways to get my bagel fix without the bagel.

While smoked salmon on its own isn’t particularly appetizing to me, once it’s piled atop a garlicky, oniony, salty bagel swimming in cream cheese, hugging raw red onions, fresh dill, crispy cuke, and sprinkled with briny capers, the salmon becomes more like Rob Kardasian: easy to ignore.

A few months ago, I discovered spring rolls?!?!? Lol, who do I think I am, Christopher Columbus? Tbh, I just never thought about making them at home until recently when I saw a delightful viral recipe for pan-fried salmon dumplings. Now I have a pantry full of rice paper, so get ready to see more spring roll recipes! In the meantime, I’m pretty pleased with this lighter twist on what could be compared to the weight of divorcing Kanye West: heavy.

I…don’t know why this has turned into a post about the Kardashians?

What you’ll notice about the “recipe” is it doesn’t really specify quantities. Bagel toppings and ratios are very personal, so I don’t wanna tell you how many capers to use. In fact, if you hate capers, leave ‘em out, WHAT DO I CARE? But I wanted to give you a rough idea of how to assemble what you see here, so I hope that helps you make this free recipe that you literally don’t even have to make and costs you actually nothing to access, unlike Larsa Pippen’s DEFINITELY NOT PORN OnlyFans account.

Again, I don’t know.